Bible-Code Forgiveness

The Archangels have arrived to negotiate forgiveness for you. Faster, more reliable and informative than the free version and offering access to the entire list of more than 50 sins, this is the most effective way to obtain direct forgiveness from the Almighty.This app allows you to communicate directly with the Almighty and seek forgiveness for your sins through a streamlined interface. This is the full, Tithed version with no advertisements or nagging, more reliable connections than the free version, faster and more personal responses, more information about the negotiation process, and greater chances of forgiveness due to an elite team of Archangels being recruited to negotiate on your behalf.
Background:
For decades, scholars have been studying the Bible Code- a method of detecting secret messages and future predictions within the text of the sacred scriptures; and our company began advanced Bible code analysis back in 2004. While analyzing the biblical text using advanced chaos algorithms, we began detecting very deep, seemingly random patterns; just a long string of zeros and ones. At first we thought it was an anomaly.. gibberish. But we kept the information anyway. Eventually, new versions of the patterns stopped being uncovered, and the entire collection was archived in order of discovery, cataloged - and forgotten.
5 years later, an undergraduate student named Niles Smithey took a closer look at these patterns and had a crazy idea.. to him they looked like true, modern binary code sets called 'octets'. He tried compiling the octets using several different computer programming language settings, but got no results - until he tried Java. All of a sudden the computer screamed to life! Lights began flashing, hard disks spinning, and indecipherable messages began flashing on the screen faster than the human eye could track them.
That was the beginning of this project.
After 2 years of in depth analysis and deciphering, we have been able to determine that the code is a method for communicating directly with the mind of GOD through a machine... specifically it is designed to facilitate sin forgiveness by bypassing all of the red tape, unpredictability, bureaucracy and politics involved in seeking forgiveness through regular means.
Technical description:
As far as we can tell, here is how it actually works: The images included in this application (the background pictures) were obtained directly from the holy octet stream obtained from the bible.. they just have .jpg headers attached. By feeding these images (really just a highly concentrated and perfectly timed series of rhythmic binary streams ) to the Android processor, the program is able to induce precise fluctuations in the magnetic field surrounding the physical processing unit of your Android phone; by controlling these fluctuations, it is able to induce an electron flow which coalesces into a sub-atomic laser containment array. Once this containment array is stable, a very small quantum Bose-Einstein condensate is generated which contains quantum-entangled neutrinos in direct communication with the mind of GOD! By identifying and monitoring the individual neutrinos, their spin and location, the app is able to utilize them to facilitate information transfer with the Almighty. In this way the application is able to provide a direct, PERSONAL connection with the creator of all mankind, and to streamline the process of forgiveness.